17 Tweets Youll Only Find Funny if Youre Smart and Have a Good Sense of Humor
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Precious cargo
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller: What's wrong with your baby? —@prufrockluvsong
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Can I check this bag?
I wonder who decided to call it "emotional baggage" and not "griefcase." —@will_dareal
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Word nerd
If you try to correct my grammar, I will think fewer of you. —@thesammyhannah
If that hit your funny bone, you'll love these clever grammar jokes.
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Let's get physical
"I'm not working out with a mask on" is my new favourite excuse for skipping exercise. —@thecatwhisprer
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Retail therapy
Me: I'm sad and directionless.
My brain: Buy stuff.
Me: No! Listen, I need a purpose.
My brain: Did you say a purchase? —@pant_leg
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Rise and shine
Them: What inspires you to get out of bed every day?
Me: My bladder, mostly. —@lhlodder
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It's a keeper
One thing no one ever talks about: how much time you debate whether you should keep a cardboard box because it's, like, a really good box. —@madameanthro
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It's inevitable
At a certain point in every man's life, he begins collecting random screws in an old coffee can. —@mommajessiec
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Yee-harrrrgh!
Someone in my Norwegian class didn't know the word for "cowboys," so they called them "American horse pirates." —@socactussoowl
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Playing it cool
My best acting work to date? It has to be yesterday, when I realized I was walking in the wrong direction, so I pretended to get a text message that changed everything and forced me to turn around and walk the other way. —@orangepaulp
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Speak up
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well, the reasons I once had have all now been replaced by the fact that you can talk. —@thealexnevil
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The dog days
The pandemic has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We're told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides. —@dogownersuk
Don't miss this collection of the funniest dog memes on the Internet!
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Feats of strength
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So, in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist. —@emmamanzini
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Let's get paranoid
Nobody's thinking about that weird thing you said. They're thinking about a different weird thing you said that you didn't even notice. —@deadeyebrakeman
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The tank's empty
I just made my last car payment. I mean, I still owe a lot, but I'm just not paying anymore. —@brentterhune
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Is this covered?
The dentist just asked me to open up and now I can't stop crying. —@momjeansplease
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Move along
I saved a lot of money on a home security system by hanging a picture of my paycheque on the front door. —@tbone7219
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Too talented
Dolly Parton writing "I Will Always Love You" and "Jolene" in the same day is mind-blowing. It would be like if Da Vinci finished the Mona Lisa, then turned around in the same day and wrote "Jolene." —@wenzlerpowers
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Cold comfort
I wouldn't mind living in a haunted house. Cold spot in the room? That sounds like a great place to chill the wine or to stand when I'm hot flashing. —@Lisabug74
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Vatt do you mean?
Me: I'm going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles.
Dracula: Venn?
Me: Probably tomorrow. —@fro_vo
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Fudging the numbers
Just did my own taxes. So should be in jail by Friday. —@yellowbonemama
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Inventing the soul patch
Friend: You missed a spot.
Guy: I don't care. —@donttouchjames
These bad dad jokes from Twitter will make you LOL!
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Think literary
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll. —@Browtweaten
Here are more Halloween jokes worth memorizing!
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Right on schedule
Me: I'm going to sleep in today.
The 500 birds outside my window: Lol. —@GroovyTasia
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That's An Order!
Might as well go ahead and get in the pond if you're going to keep acting like a silly goose! —@lowendfury
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Silent Partners
The absolute worst-spelled word in the English language is "queue." Q was killing it on its own and someone was just like, "Hey, what if he had four useless teammates?" – @randypaint
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Cinematic Experience
I thought I liked seeing movies, but it turns out I just like eating candy in a dark room where no one's allowed to talk to me. —@ caraweinberger
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Injuries by Age
Age 5: I jumped off a swing.
Age 21: I jumped off a bar table.
Age 38: Sleeping. I hurt myself while I was sleeping. —@ AbbyHasIssues
These funny sleep jokes will have you laughing in bed!
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Leg Day
It's been six months since I joined the gym and no progress. I'm going there in person tomorrow to see what's really going on. —@ _CakeBawse
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The Body is a Cheap Apartment
I'm becoming the landlord of my own body by refusing to fix anything wrong with it. —@ i_zzzzzz
Don't miss these funny tweets about food!
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Stressful Singing
I love seeing people panic at karaoke when they realize how long and repetitive their song is. It's like their eyes are asking, "Will I be singing 'My Sharona' forever?" —@ isabelzawtun
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Brutal Honesty
Him: I think we should see other people.
Me: I disagree. I think we should break up and both be alone. —@ ginnyhogan_
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False Advertising
The ads for women's shower products always say things like "Lock in your moisture" and "Rejuvenate your pores." Meanwhile, men's ads are just like "Smell like hammer, you idiot." —@ MNateShyamalan
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Feline Instinct
It's unfair to say that Scar murdered Mufasa in The Lion King. Cats just have a natural need to knock things off ledges. —@ PatsATweetin
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Free Wheeling
Always remember: you can do a cartwheel whenever and wherever you want. —@ charstarlene
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A Complete Misunderstanding
Debt collector: You have an outstanding bill.
Me: Aw, thank you! —@abbieexansxo
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Life is Unfair
Me: Can I have a turn in the hedge now?
Hedgehog: No. —@abbieevansxo
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True Love Waits
"If you love something, set it free." –Me, spending money
—@alyssalimp
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I'll Be There for You
"I'm not here to make friends." –The creator of Friends, who originally wanted to make a different show. —@yoyorobot
If you want to bring your A-game to trivia night, here are some pop culture facts to keep in mind.
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Worst Nightmare
You: We all attract what we fear.
Me: I am absolutely terrified of 10 billion dollars. —@leokolade
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True Story
Mind-blowing literary fact: all non-fiction books take place in the same shared universe. —@osutein
These true crime books are so chilling, you shouldn't read them at night!
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No Such Thing?
Not to brag, but I happen to be the reason why the yoga instructor stopped saying "There's no such thing as a stupid question." —@hellohappy_time
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Confidence Boost
If you're ever feeling down on yourself, just remember how in 2018, when I hosted Thanksgiving for my family, I told them to park in the wrong spot and every single person's car got towed. —@dxxnya
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WebMD
One of my favourite games to play is "Is my headache from dehydration, caffeine withdrawal, lack of proper nutrition, my ponytail, stress, sleep deprivation, not wearing my glasses or a brain tumour?" —@pmilbs_
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The Truth About Dating
Dating is just somebody revealing the grosser parts of themselves little by little until you say "Okay, that's enough" or "Okay, this forever." —@AmySilverberg
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But First, Coffee
Me, before coffee:
Ugh, why is everyone shouting?
Me, after coffee: Okay, yes, I do see the fire now. —@rica_bee
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Modern Romance
I moved in with my girlfriend after one year. Some people say we're rushing in, but we're both so in love with saving $900 a month. —@mondaypunday
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Night Owls
My friend and I were driving home the other night at what felt like well past midnight, but the clock said 8:36 p.m. If that doesn't sum up being in your 40s, I don't know what does. —@letmestart
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Cheer Up
"'I hate being half bike, half-motorcycle," he moped. —@SkinnerSteven
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Truly Irate
Me: What makes you angry?
Pirate: When someone steals my p. —@tweetpotato314
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Do We Have Your Attention?
Accordion to research, nine out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random instruments. —@peachesanscream
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Plans For Expansion
Cowboy: This town ain't big enough for the both of us.
City Planner: No, this is just the mock-up. The actual town will be much bigger. —@theandrewnadeau
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That Time of Year
Winter is just me asking my body, "Hey, are you sick?" and my body answering, "Maybe!" —@jpbrammer
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Location, Location, Location
The fact that my balcony isn't facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective. —@Chicksrule
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Canon Copy Edited
Writer: The Wizard of Oz
Editor: Oz's Wizard —@Ben_rosen
These hilarious work jokes will help you get through the week.
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Now We're Cooking
Wife [on the phone]: Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
Me: Yep.
Wife: What temperature did you set it to?
Me: 534
Wife: That's the clock
Me:
Wife:
Me: 535 —@Iwearaonesie
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A Whole Latte Laughs
Me: Honey, it's really muggy out today.
Wife: If I go outside and all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving you.
Me: *Sips coffee from bowl* —@Mynameisntdave
If that made you grin, you'll love these ridiculous coffee puns.
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Chase Your Dreams
If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. —@Planet_Irony
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Now That's a Reveal
Me: My wife is having a baby.
Colleague: Oh my God, do you know what it is?
Me: It's a person, but smaller. —@Keetpotato
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We All Get Our 15 Minutes of Fame
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term "one-hit wonder" came up with any other phrases. —@Humurous1liners
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Those Were the Days
Would love for one second of my adult life to feel as amped as I did as a child knowing I had five bucks to spend at the Scholastic Book Fair. — @Kristen_arnett
These funny Monday jokes will help you make it through the week.
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Anything Goes
The airport is a lawless place. Seven a.m.? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17. — @Alyssalimp
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Hmm… Let Me Get Back to You on That
You never realize how boring you are until someone asks you what you do for fun. —@Thefunnyteeng
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It's Called Problem Solving
I just found out my mum didn't know how to set the clock on her new microwave. So she stayed up until midnight and then plugged it in. —@Giftedrascal
Everyone can relate to these funny tweets about technology.
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All the LOLs
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me… Then realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07. —@Pembdave
These hilarious golf jokes are better than a hole-in-one.
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He's Not Wrong
"It's five o'clock somewhere," I say as I leave work at 9 a.m. —@Michaelsmartguy
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Time is Relative
If I tell you I'm five minutes away and you believe me, that is your own personal problem. —@Heysar4h
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Fairweather Friend
I hate when babies start acting like everything's brand new. It's me. I just saw you last week and we were best friends. Don't do this to me." —@Stfubryann
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Modern Malaise
My aunt got a Google Home for Christmas and she already had an Amazon Alexa. Recently we were messing around with the new device and asked, "Okay, Google, what do you think of Alexa?"
It answered, "I like her blue light." From across the room, Alexa turned on and said, "Thanks."
I'm scared. —@Allisoncalhoun1
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Criminally Fabulous
The police just came to my house. They explained to me that someone had sent them photos of my car. They were worried, as blond hair was sticking out the back. The policeman then asked me to open my trunk, so I did. Their grisly discovery? My clip-in weave. —@Megalexandrax
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Elephant's Memory
My co-worker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota in 1973. He didn't try going back to it for 30 years, but when he finally did, the moment he stepped in someone yelled, "Get the hell out of here, Dennis." That's probably my favourite story ever. —@Bmangall20
These funny family stories will have you laughing out loud!
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Diminishing Returns
My girlfriend has started calling my hair "the economy" because it's begun showing strong signs of a recession. —@realHamOnWry
You won't be able to unsee these funny stock photos!
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Stay Positive
Me: I have to be honest, Steve. I'm a motivational speaker, not a flight instructor.
Steve: WHAT? I CAN'T LAND THIS PLANE!
Me: Not with that attitude you can't. —@Reverend_Scott
Comedians reveal their favourite jokes ever!
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Is There An App For That?
I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn't stand a chance. —@DTWillingham
You won't believe these mind-blowing facts.
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Well Read
I used to know a girl called Paige Turner. I could read her like a book. —@MOSHK_88
Keep laughing with thesefunny examples of irony in real life.
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The Carpet Says…
I'm just sick of people walking all over me. —@chrisdowning
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Serial Stalker
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the thousands of pictures you have of them sleeping? —@laurajaylovette
Brighten your day with these funny animal pictures!
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Exhausted Bunch
Q: Why was King Arthur's army too tired to fight?
A: It had too many sleepless knights. —@Dadsaysjokes
Test your history chops with these hilarious history jokes.
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Funny and Freaky
If you need something to pass time on a plane, over the course of the flight, slowly and silently apply an entire face of clown makeup. —@bridger_w
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Winning Strategy
Everyone, everyone, hold up. I have an idea. What if we all stand BACK from the luggage carousel and only step forward if you actually see your bag? —Andrew Chang, news anchor
These are the things you should never say to flight attendants.
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Sweet Dreams Get Crushed
I heard my husband scream "NOOOOOO!" from across the house and ran to see if he was okay. I discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to "wash" his cotton candy and then appears visibly upset when it dissolves in the water. —@TheOutli3R
We dare you not to smile while looking at these adorable pictures of baby animals.
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Wrecking Ball
Just saw an article about an "easy at-home workout" you can do in your living room with a kettlebell, which sounds like a fun way to break everything in my apartment. —Raina Douris, radio host
Check out 20 more clean jokes that are safe for any occasion.
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Don't Try This at Home
I saw a sign that said "falling rocks," so I tried and it doesn't. —@ElleOhHell
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Theory of Evolution
Personally I think giraffes grew those necks because they really wanted to be alone. —Sandra Newman, author
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Know-it-All
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. But teach a man to fish and he'll be like, "Um, actually, I know how to fish, I'll show you." And you'll wish you had your old fish so you could throw it at him. —Aparna Nancherla, comedian
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Dream Team
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau, they would win celebrity-couple nicknaming forever with "Portmanteau." —Bryan Donaldson, TV writer
We bet you didn't know these historical figures were related!
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A Perfect Hybrid
If I had to come up with a slogan for raccoons it'd definitely be, "Dogs and hands, together at last." —Merritt K., podcaster
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Sorry, Couldn't Hear You
Store clerk: Ma'am, you're not allowed to try out the earplugs before you buy them.
Me: What? —@ElleOhHell
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A Bit Too Clever
Someone came into the library where I work and asked me if we had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat. I said it rang a bell but I wasn't sure if it was there or not. —@localnotail
These funny dog cartoons are sure to make you chuckle.
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To Seal One's Wait
Do people who line up at the gate before their flight starts boarding also stand next to the toilet 20 minutes before they even have to pee? —@joshgondelman
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Power Naps
My body: WHAT DO WE WANT?
My brain: SLEEP!
My body: WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
My brain: AT EITHER 2 p.m. OR 3 p.m. NO OTHER TIME.
My body: No, that's not—
My brain: WE ARE UNWILLING TO COMPROMISE. —@keelyflaherty
101 / 120
I Make My Own Rules
Proud to announce my dream of becoming a criminal lawyer is halfway complete! Just working on the lawyer part now. —@sabrinahamiddd
We've rounded up the funniest lawyer jokes ever.
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Crucial Details
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter… it's the thought that counts. —@C00LpenNAME
Check out these LOL-worthy wedding jokes about marriage!
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Undercover
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today and thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those "plane clothes cops." —@Tmoney68
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Keep it Tidy
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than the other prisoners. —@mstern68
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Forensic Files
Whenever I watch Forensic Files and realize I've already seen the episode, I get so mad I could poison someone in small amounts every day for six months. —Jeremy Rowley, Comedian
Check out these true stories of the world's dumbest criminals.
106 / 120
Know Your Rights
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you're not being arrested? —Evan Kessler, Comedian
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Mystery Guest
If you pay me $50, I'll show up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a black umbrella regardless of the weather, so people think you died with a dark and interesting secret. —Dana Schwartz, Writer
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Nature Works in Mysterious Ways
How is it that unicorns are fake but giraffes are real? Like, what's more believable: a horse with a horn or a leopard-moose-camel with a 40-foot neck? —@_kylebrownlee
109 / 120
Sharing Is Caring
"Bro, you want this pamphlet?"
"Brochure." —@SkinnerSteven
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Important Parenting Advice
Don't name your baby James. Name him Jame. He is one Jame. —@ohheyohhihello
These relatable parenting tweets will make you laugh out loud.
111 / 120
Is There a Cure For That?
I went to the doctor and he said, "You've got hypochondria." I said, "Not that as well!" —Tim Vine, comedian
Check out our funniest doctor jokes of all time.
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Tips, Please
What are some cures for insomnia that do not involve drinking less caffeine and alcohol, or turning off your phone and computer, or getting exercise or meditating or reducing stress in any way? —Bess Kalb, TV Writer
Our editors have rounded up the funniest jokes in Reader's Digest history.
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The Rest is Unwritten
Broken pencils are pointless. —@BreakingHunt
Every science nerd will appreciate these physics jokes.
116 / 120
Questionable Trends
You either die a hero or live long enough to see wide-legged jeans come back into style multiple times. —Adam Sternbergh, writer
Here are 75 more hilarious birthday jokes to help you find the funny side of getting another year older.
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Getting to the Root of the Problem
Me: This town ain't big enough…
Gunslinger: Yeah, yeah, for the two of us.
Me: No, I mean in general. There isn't enough infrastructure to support the population.
Gunslinger: You know what? You're right.
[We begin urban planning.] —@ThugRaccoons
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But Where?
Me, in hell: I was told there would be a "special" place for me? —Alice Wetterlund, comedian
Do you often have trouble making it to the punchline? Check out these short jokes anyone can remember!
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Search History: A Window to the Soul
My most recent Google searches are as follows:
"DIY wine opener"
"How to pour wine after breaking the cork"
"How to store wine without cork"
"How long is open wine good for"
"Why do dogs walk funny with shoes on" —@fratulez
These DIY jokes are sure to bring down the house!
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Kitty's Got Claws
Dressed the neighbour's cat in a superhero costume so that when it went home they'd wonder, "Is my cat fighting crime?" —@AimeeHelene1
If you enjoyed these hilarious tweets, be sure to check out our roundup of the best Canadian jokes of all time.
Originally Published: July 19, 2021
Source: https://www.readersdigest.ca/culture/hilarious-tweets/
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